FIVE BOOKS TO MAKE THE HEART SINK
By Alex Good

I've recently noticed a bias in my approach to some new books. It comes from recognizing types that have grown a little too familiar in recent years. Or maybe I should say a lot too familiar. I know that books are seen by publishers as just another product, and that both writers and publishers pump titles out to take advantage of whatever's hot at the moment, but that's still no excuse for the following shopping list of the derivative, the uninspired, and the crass. Enough is enough.

1. Autobiography/Memoir

Reviewing autobiographies is a tricky business. If you don't like the book, then you must not like the person who wrote it, right?

Well, no. I have a number of good friends whose life stories I would never want to read. (It should go without saying that I wouldn't dream of subjecting them to mine.) The odour of self-indulgence that attaches to most of these books is something I've already dealt with in another essay (see "The Me-Authors: A Review"). If you really feel the need to commit the story of your life to paper (or disk), why not do it privately, as a special gift to your children or grandchildren? Few people lead lives worthy of being presented for public consideration. Great writing or some special gift of insight can save a pretty banal autobiography, but honestly, how often does that happen? Not nearly often enough. If it's self-promotion that you're into, why not try running for public office?

2. Poetry written by academics

"As for literature," Mr. Nixon tells E. P., "it gives no man a sinecure." Oh, but it does today, Ezra, it does indeed. In a widely discussed essay published in 1991, Dana Gioia made the point that in order to be relevant poetry has to somehow break free of the academy. Lotsa luck. I would guess that at least half of the new poetry books being professionally published - and virtually all of those written by an "established" poet - are written by a professor from some college or university. If mad Ireland hurt Yeats into poetry, what depths of ennui bored these faculty members into scribbling verse? Poetry, as Milton put it, is "simple, sensuous and passionate." Leave it for the amateurs, they've always done it best.

3. "Culture criticism" by the latest hip young thing

Please: If you are a young intellectual (i.e., someone who knows they know everything) looking to do that McLuhanesque "pattern recognition" thing and examine the entirety of contemporary culture in order to tell us what it all means, be aware of the fact that every other young intellectual is doing the same. In fact, they've been doing it quite a lot over the last decade. Does this tell you something? Does it suggest to you that maybe you're not the only one out there who has somehow (native intelligence? a non-conformist education?) seen through all of the corporate/commercial/media lies? That you have not been specially selected to interpret the hidden/larger/essential truth of modern life? There must be at least five new books in this vein that have been published in the last four months alone, each of them saying more or less the same thing. Yes, yes, we know that global mass culture - books, movies, television, etc. - is a bottomless pit of shit. We have analyzed the deeper significance of The Simpsons, Seinfeld, and Star Trek: TNG for ourselves. We have learned to get ironic. We have got on with our lives. We urge you to do the same.

4. Literary biographies

Let's face it, most writers do not lead very interesting lives. Two of the most popular subjects for twentieth-century biographers, for example, have been Henry James and James Joyce, yet neither did anything really worth commenting on except write. Once you've worked out a chronology, what else is there to say? There is no need to go into all of the detail that most of these weighty tomes indulge in, especially if you haven't dug up anything new. The "definitive" biography is not going to happen. The only reason for the (relative) popularity of these books is the fact that they are now the only stuff coming out of English departments that the public has any interest in at all - at least partly because they are forced to present their thumbnail critical analyses in a comprehensible form.

(Of course, nothing I say here should be taken as a criticism of the sub-genre dealing with literary wives. I mean, I sure wouldn't want to read another biography of Fitzgerald, Joyce, or Nabokov, but books on Zelda, Nora, or Vera are obviously very important and long overdue. Why, they even win awards.)

5. The wannabe screenplay

No, it doesn't say "Soon to be a major motion picture" on the cover, but it can still try. For those of you who haven't read any of the basic guides to screenwriting, you may want to keep score with the following checklist: (1) a somewhat mysterious introductory scene that usually introduces the villain; (2) a three-part structure - set-up, conflict, resolution - that comes along with median climax; (3) a number of freaky, "visual" characters in supporting roles; (4) an emphasis on fast-paced, "hip" dialogue that makes everybody, but especially the hero, seem smarter than the average moviegoer is assumed to be (this item is also useful for product placement); (5) a need to locate the most dramatic events or plot points in exotic or extreme settings; (6) a rapid denouement; (7) an unambiguous finale (i.e., someone dies).

Now, get that puppy to some agents! Baby, it'll be a hit. And remember: You're not just a screenwriter now, you're a novelist.

Notes:
Essay first published online April 30, 2000.